Ball Scratching

I’ve often found myself snuggled with my boyfriend on the couch and instead of watching The Bachelor, American Idol, or whatever other reality show we enjoy indulging in, I’ve found myself staring in amazement and disgust as my boyfriend engaged in an animalistic ritual that is ball scratching.

What is the deal with guys scratching their balls like they have no care in the world, like nobody is watching? At first I thought the scratching was just for leisure and enjoyment but as it continued night after night, day after day, I sat back and seriously wondered to myself if there was something actually wrong down there. So I thought I’d just go ahead and ask, “Babe, is everything OK down there?” the response was always the same,

“Yeah, why?”

“Oh I don’t know maybe I ask because you’ve been scratching below like your life depended on it, like poison ivy spread all over your privates and even though you know you’re not supposed to scratch, you do it anyway because it brings such relief and pleasure all at the same time.”

This is an everyday habit that absolutely drives me crazy! I really don’t understand how something can itch, or irritate that much that you have to physically put your entire hand down your pants and scratch aggressively for a length of oh I don’t know about 10-15 minutes! After some thought about how I could attempt to stop this unpleasant habit I suggested to my boyfriend that if this is a serious issue, if the itching is so unbearable that continuous scratching must take place, then why not try something to stop the itch. I suggested powder. Yes, a little baby powder down below might suppress the itchiness. We tried it, and believe it or not it did help to stop the relentless itch. However, the only negative about the powder was that it did wear off after a while, so reapplying was indeed a necessity which apparently turned out to be too much for my boyfriend to handle. He would never reapply the powder and the itching inevitably continued, which defeated the whole purpose of the powder to begin with. I decided to take it a step further and suggested lotion. Now of course we couldn’t just try any lotion, especially the kind we had on hand. I mean I don’t blame him for not wanting to smell like Japanese Blossom or Warm Vanilla Sugar, so we opted for a non-fragrance lotion, something along the lines of Jergens or Aveeno lotion for dry skin. So I told him the powder was clearly not working and it was time to up the ante. I had him apply a nice handful of lotion down under on his package, and there you go, problem solved.

Successfully, the lotion lasted far longer than the powder. Before I knew it we were once again snuggled up on the couch watching an episode of Jersey Shore, and not once was I shifted or interrupted by his intense, inappropriate, and alarming ball scratching. Another step toward breaking the boyfriend completed.