Farting is a natural human action and everyone does it, but some of us are a little more carefree with flatulence than others; case in point, my boyfriend. His farting is not normal by any standard and is actually just plain obnoxious and gross.
I’ve never asked my boyfriend to hold in his farts because I know how painful containing those gases can be. Being lactose intolerant, when I slip and decide I MUST have that glass of milk with my Oreos I suffer intense stomach pains from holding everything in. But I really don’t feel like I’m asking much of him. All I ask is if the need to fart should arise he remove himself from the room I’m in and go fart somewhere else; maybe a room in the house where that kind of stuff should take place, I’m pretty sure it’s called the bathroom. To my boyfriend this request is just absurd. He truly thinks it’s ok to just sit right next to me on the couch and let out not one small fart (which I’d be able to handle), but rather a whole host of ear shattering farts. He also has no shame in farting in public as well. Just the other day we were perusing the isles of our neighborhood Piggly Wiggly grocery store, and in the middle of the beer isle he let out one of the most deafening farts I’ve ever heard! After I scolded him, “Matt! Seriously, what is wrong with you?”
His response was simply, “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t hold it in anymore.”
Thankfully nobody was around to hear it, but seriously is it too much to ask to hold it in until we’re at least outside? I understand sometimes you just can’t help it and one will slip out here or there, but I really feel my boyfriend pushes them out with such great force on purpose, for fun. Sick, right? Yeah, I know.
No matter how many times I yell at him and explain how gross he is, all I get in response is a smirk and a chuckle followed by an insincere apology. I will say to his credit, for a short amount of time he did actually step away and fart elsewhere, away from me. Obviously, that only lasted a few days. I’ve been really stuck on a solution to this one and of course it’s the most disgusting and annoying of all the habits. The only solution I’ve come up with once again involves me threatening to turn myself into a pig. I warned him the next time he decided to fart in my presence after I drank that glass of milk or ate that bowl of ice cream; I would no longer hold everything in and not hesitate to fart around him. Unfortunately, I really couldn’t go through with it. After I made the threat his consistent thunderous farting continued and I just couldn’t get myself to fart around him, it just wasn’t going to happen. I don’t know maybe I should just crush up some Beano and slip it in his food, there’s an idea! I might just have to go that route if I can’t think of anything else. But for now, sadly the farts are winning and the flatulence battle continues. This particular step toward breaking the boyfriend is not complete and is definitely a work in progress.
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